Dear Mr Mazda

Listen, nobody is more pleased than me at your return to stylistic design. I mean, whatever possessed you in the late 90s to replace the gorgeous, svelte 323F with the boxy monstrosity that replaced it will forever remain a mystery. Perhaps Ford had too much influence, but you seem to have left those unpleasant days behind.

Your current line-up is looking good. I'm a little puzzled that I've seen some 6s with standard brake lights instead of LEDs lately - what's that about? But that's a small matter.

I am, though, a little troubled by the latest 5. I applaud you for steering away from the van with windows route (see VW) but I can't help but think that one of your designers allowed their young child into the office one day and let him scribble over the final plans. Those flanks are, shall we say, a little fussy?

I'll forgive you this once, okay? But let's make sure we don't make the same mistake on other new models.

Dear Mr Ssangyong

I don't know what it is you're all smoking/drinking/injecting down there, but I think you ought to stop. Like, now.

Have you ever actually taken a look at any of the models you produce, once they are actually built? Perhaps they look great on the screens in your office, but in the metal they are all, frankly, hideous.

Let's take the Rodius as an example. From the front, I'll admit it's not too offensive, a little dull perhaps but that's about as far as it goes. Then you move round to the side or the rear. I've seen small children taken ill just by casting their eyes on such an abomination. Perhaps you always intended for it to be a simple hatchback - the roof line and C-pillars seem to indicate that - and then somebody had the bright idea of turning into an MPV and adding what amounts to a loft extension.

And what the Hell is going on at the front of the Sports Pickup? I've just been left genuinely speechless...

Dear Mr Audi

I am happy to supply you with details of where you can purchase replacement colour ink cartridges for the printers in your design team office. I figure this can be the only reason why you insist on using almost every conceivable shade of gray for all your models. If I recall correctly, the human eye is capable of distinguishing 256 shades of grey (including white and black) - you can't be far short of that now.

I did once see a red Audi, but I think that must have been a manufacturing mistake, or something.

I must applaud you, though, on your creativity with LED running lights; I look forward to every new model release to see which exciting configuration you have chosen. I can think of a few you haven't used yet, so if you're running out of ideas, please get in touch.

Dear Mr Alfa Romeo

Look, I really like Alfas, ok? I've owned two - a 166 which I adored, and a 156 which was enormous fun but I didn't have for long before somebody managed to write it off.

But your current range... come on! The 159 and Brera are beautiful, just stunning, but I guess they belong to your previous design standard. Your latest models, MiTo, Guilieta, Guilia they all look... well, startled. Trust me, startled is not a good look on any car.

I want to like them, I really do. You're doing good things at the back, nice use of LEDs and all that, but the fronts just don't work.

Sorry. Really sorry.

Dear Mr SEAT

I like your designs, I really do.

But (there's always a but), who are you trying to kid with your recent "facelifts"?

I've looked, I looked long and hard and the most I can see that you've changed is the shape of the rear window. There is something subtly different at the front, too, but I can't quite put my finger on it. And that is the crux of the problem.

You really can't go around spouting "new model" and "facelift" if nobody can tell the difference.

On a positive note, though, well done for dropping the Toledo. That design didn't work, did it?

Dear Mr Volkswagen

Yes, I get it. Somebody said they wanted a coherent design philosophy to be reflected in all your models. Perhaps he said "When somebody looks at a Volkswagen, they should know immediately that it's a Volkswagen!"

You know what? You've probably achieved that goal. Great, eh?

Err, no, actually.

When you stick so closely to such a design goal, you end up with all your models looking the same, except some are bigger than others. Personally, if I could afford to splash out £50,000 on a Touareg I'd really want it to not look like a Polo on steroids. I'd want it to stand out from the crowd, not to get lost in the car park.

Line up your models side-by-side and the only ones that look much different from the front are going to be the Golf and the Beetle. Everything else is just a slightly larger version of the one before.

And while it's your turn in the spotlight, let's talk about the Touran. Yes, OK, we all know it's just a van with windows, really, but could you have not tried a bit harder to disguise that fact? Look at Vauxhall's new Zafira, for example or even Mazda's (admittedly fussy) 5.

One word: Dull.