Dear Mr VolksWagen (again)

Congratulations! You've done it!

The new Jetta looks exactly like the new Passat, only smaller.

Are you mad?

Dear Mr Motoring Magazine/Website

I could be wrong, but I get the impression you like the VW Golf.

Why?

It can't be due to back-handers, I'm pretty sure VAG wouldn't do that, not to every single magazine/website.

Could it be, perhaps, that you're slightly out of touch with the public?

Time and again you praise the Golf for it's style, or build quality, or road manners, or reliability and yet, as far as I can tell, it's pretty middling in all those areas. Others do it so much better.

I was trying to think what cars, in a like-for-like head-to-head, I would choose over the Golf, were I in that position:
Golf vs Vauxhall Astra: Astra - much more stylish
Golf vs Ford Focus: Focus - better handling and (in its latest incarnation) pretty stylish too
Golf vs Skoda Octavia: Octavia - price and interior space
Golf vs Kia Cee'd: Cee'd - price and 7 year warranty
Golf vs Toyota Auris: Oh, OK, I'd probably take the Golf, unless reliability was paramount

So, if anyone would care to enlighten me as to why the Golf is so feted by motoring journalists, I'd love to hear it.

Dear Mr Ford

You need to change your advertising agency. Or possibly your marketing department.

Your latest radio ad includes the line (as a "plus" point): "And it's a Ford"

That makes it sound as if your are an inspirational, prestige brand. Guess what? You're not.

There are, no doubt, still plenty of people who, when faced with a new car purchase, will automatically choose a Ford, because that's what their dad drove, and his dad before that. That, surely, explains why the Escort continued to see long after it's best-by date.

But, really, give your average man in the street, say £20,000 to spend on a new car, any car, completely of his choosing. How many, do you think, will think "I really want to buy a Ford"?

Not many. Honestly.

BTW, I'm not saying your cars are bad. I got over my Ford hatred a while ago (about the time you finally dropped the Escort, actually).

Dear Mr BMW (Part 1)

I'm afraid I have so much to say to you that I will have to address you in multiple parts.

I used to admire your design. You managed to take each generation of your models and evolve them in such a way that the out-going model was still desireable and yet the new one was even more so. It was a pleasure to watch the launch of each 3-series and think "Yup, they've done it again."

Those days have, sadly, gone. And it was the latest 3-series that started it, I think.

The whole design ethos looks a little clumsy now. You just about get away with it on the 3 and, let's face it, you could make that look like anything and still sell bucket-loads to companies whose employees still thing they've "arrived" once they can choose a Beemer as their company car. And so I sort of applaud you for the 1-series so that ore junior staff could get that warm fuzzy feeling. Shame, then, that it's such an ugly-duckling.

And as for the X1. What is that all about? It looks as if someone designed it the drove it at speed into a brick wall, and then reversed it into another equally solid object. Take a look for yourself..

More later.

Dear Mr MINI

(Note that I used the correct all-caps for MINI).

I fear that something has been lost in translation.

You know that MINI means "small, compact", right?

So why is the MINI getting bigger?

There used to be a British Leyland car called the Maxi. That was well-loved. Why not use that instead?

Dear Mr Proton

Are you still here?

Why?

Dear Mr Nissan

I'd love to know who won the bet, and how much he pocketed as a result. I must also applaud you for making it abundently clear, to anyone who stops and thinks for a minute, that this was never meant to be taken sersiously. I get it, okay.

It's just a matter of how clearly you write. If your handwriting is anything like mine, it's easy to see an O as a U, so it's a matter of misreading "Joke" for "Juke".

It's funny, it really is.

What? It's in production? People are buying them?

Really?

Dear Mr Mazda

Listen, nobody is more pleased than me at your return to stylistic design. I mean, whatever possessed you in the late 90s to replace the gorgeous, svelte 323F with the boxy monstrosity that replaced it will forever remain a mystery. Perhaps Ford had too much influence, but you seem to have left those unpleasant days behind.

Your current line-up is looking good. I'm a little puzzled that I've seen some 6s with standard brake lights instead of LEDs lately - what's that about? But that's a small matter.

I am, though, a little troubled by the latest 5. I applaud you for steering away from the van with windows route (see VW) but I can't help but think that one of your designers allowed their young child into the office one day and let him scribble over the final plans. Those flanks are, shall we say, a little fussy?

I'll forgive you this once, okay? But let's make sure we don't make the same mistake on other new models.

Dear Mr Ssangyong

I don't know what it is you're all smoking/drinking/injecting down there, but I think you ought to stop. Like, now.

Have you ever actually taken a look at any of the models you produce, once they are actually built? Perhaps they look great on the screens in your office, but in the metal they are all, frankly, hideous.

Let's take the Rodius as an example. From the front, I'll admit it's not too offensive, a little dull perhaps but that's about as far as it goes. Then you move round to the side or the rear. I've seen small children taken ill just by casting their eyes on such an abomination. Perhaps you always intended for it to be a simple hatchback - the roof line and C-pillars seem to indicate that - and then somebody had the bright idea of turning into an MPV and adding what amounts to a loft extension.

And what the Hell is going on at the front of the Sports Pickup? I've just been left genuinely speechless...

Dear Mr Audi

I am happy to supply you with details of where you can purchase replacement colour ink cartridges for the printers in your design team office. I figure this can be the only reason why you insist on using almost every conceivable shade of gray for all your models. If I recall correctly, the human eye is capable of distinguishing 256 shades of grey (including white and black) - you can't be far short of that now.

I did once see a red Audi, but I think that must have been a manufacturing mistake, or something.

I must applaud you, though, on your creativity with LED running lights; I look forward to every new model release to see which exciting configuration you have chosen. I can think of a few you haven't used yet, so if you're running out of ideas, please get in touch.

Dear Mr Alfa Romeo

Look, I really like Alfas, ok? I've owned two - a 166 which I adored, and a 156 which was enormous fun but I didn't have for long before somebody managed to write it off.

But your current range... come on! The 159 and Brera are beautiful, just stunning, but I guess they belong to your previous design standard. Your latest models, MiTo, Guilieta, Guilia they all look... well, startled. Trust me, startled is not a good look on any car.

I want to like them, I really do. You're doing good things at the back, nice use of LEDs and all that, but the fronts just don't work.

Sorry. Really sorry.

Dear Mr SEAT

I like your designs, I really do.

But (there's always a but), who are you trying to kid with your recent "facelifts"?

I've looked, I looked long and hard and the most I can see that you've changed is the shape of the rear window. There is something subtly different at the front, too, but I can't quite put my finger on it. And that is the crux of the problem.

You really can't go around spouting "new model" and "facelift" if nobody can tell the difference.

On a positive note, though, well done for dropping the Toledo. That design didn't work, did it?

Dear Mr Volkswagen

Yes, I get it. Somebody said they wanted a coherent design philosophy to be reflected in all your models. Perhaps he said "When somebody looks at a Volkswagen, they should know immediately that it's a Volkswagen!"

You know what? You've probably achieved that goal. Great, eh?

Err, no, actually.

When you stick so closely to such a design goal, you end up with all your models looking the same, except some are bigger than others. Personally, if I could afford to splash out £50,000 on a Touareg I'd really want it to not look like a Polo on steroids. I'd want it to stand out from the crowd, not to get lost in the car park.

Line up your models side-by-side and the only ones that look much different from the front are going to be the Golf and the Beetle. Everything else is just a slightly larger version of the one before.

And while it's your turn in the spotlight, let's talk about the Touran. Yes, OK, we all know it's just a van with windows, really, but could you have not tried a bit harder to disguise that fact? Look at Vauxhall's new Zafira, for example or even Mazda's (admittedly fussy) 5.

One word: Dull.